Loyalty. I have never been great at it. Anyone who knows me well enough has been there to witness my willingness to cave in the face of choosing one person over another…or worse and impossible…both people at the same time. The timeless code of friendship ethics has always had this rule smack dab at the top of the list: “You are not allowed to be friends with your friend’s ex-whatevers.” Guyfriends and girlfriends alike follow this rule of thumb, and those who break it are scrutinized with disapproval. I have been lucky though. For the few times that I have made these fatal friendship faux pas, I have always had people in my life who eventually try to understand (or at the very least accept) my way of thinking. I always allowed myself the excuse of being defenseless against how deeply I can fall in love with people and the characteristics they possess. For me, being around people is like watching your favorite show or movie. You know the characters well, and you love them for the reliability of their character flaws. Many people in my life, even people I barely know personally, become these characters and inhabit these qualities. For good or for bad, I can love and enjoy who they are.
With all of my loyalty issues my most grave mistake has always been the loyalty I owe to my self. This entire escape to Richmond was supposed to be about being “who I am,” and doing what I want to do, 100%, to my utmost ability. No matter how incredibly selfish that sounds, I felt like I owed it to my self. Since I have been here, there have been many moments where I have mentally and physically stopped myself in my tracks and said, “Slow down, slow down, slow down you fool! Be true to you.” I haven’t even been here a month, and already I can feel the precious time and opportunity slipping through my bone-less little fingers.
The past week has included my first week of classes and my official third week at work. Every single day consists of school, work, school, work, school, work (except for the weekends which I have miraculously been able to weasel away.) Sometimes when I do slow down and try to take things in I have to keep echoing the sentence, “Be true to you,” as corny as that may sound.
I have these little breakdowns throughout the days. Today I was sitting in class and my professor was lecturing on the history of social work as a profession. I wanted to jump out of my seat each time he brought up a new interesting point. I can’t help it!! I am supposed to be listening (always a sore spot with me), but for some reason I just wanted to participate in this lecture like it was a conversation. I am quite capable of restraining myself, which I usually try to do. When we finally got up to the year 2000 my professor posed the question, “Does anyone know what kind of president George W. Bush ran as? What type of conservative did he proclaim himself to be during his campaign?” (So FYI I am insanely obsessed with current affairs and politics, I blame my father for getting me hooked on talk radio as a kid.) As one of the only people who will participate I said, “A fiscal conservative?” “No.” Dr. Schwartz affirmed. For some reason more than one person, possibly two, or dreadfully three… actually laughed. They giggled. At first I thought, well of course they must have been laughing, because of the irony of how George W. Bush turned out to not to be a fiscal conservative. They must have thought I was telling a joke, or that I was being sarcastic. They could not have been giggling at the verbal exchange, my enthusiasm, and then obvious question/answer failure. Just as I got lost in old K-12 nightmares, Dr. Schwartz said, “A compassionate conservative!”
I started to sink in my seat. Had I become that student who over extends their participation requirements? And just as I started cursing myself into oblivion for even opening my mouth I remembered, “Be true to you.”
These things happen to me every day, at work, the gas station, even at home all alone. Once in a while I find myself second guessing the move, the school, the job, and my entire life. But I have made a conscious decision to stay true to myself and grant myself the loyalty that I would not have before.
I will just continue to let life unfold in front of me, and enjoy all of the rascally characters along the way.
Be true to you.
-Rosa
amen.
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